Copywriting

buzzkill

Strips the corporate register out of a draft and names every tell.

When it fires

Use when a draft reads like corporate marketing copy, full of buzzwords, abstract nouns, unfalsifiable superlatives, hedged claims, passive sentences where nobody does anything, or language that could describe any company in the category.

Install
/plugin install bullpen@bullpen

Overview

Corporate register is not a vocabulary problem. It is a way of avoiding commitment. Every buzzword marks a specific claim the writer declined to make, and swapping it for a synonym leaves the evasion intact.

The fix is never a better word. It is asking what the sentence would have to say if it had to be true.

The test that decides everything

The inverse test. Take any claim. Would a competitor ever assert the opposite?

No company says “our platform is unreliable and slow.” So “reliable and fast” is not a claim. It is noise wearing the costume of a claim. Cut it, or replace it with the number that would let a reader disagree.

Apply this before any rewriting. Most of a bad draft dies here.

The five passes

Run in order. Each pass reads the whole draft looking for one thing only. Mixing them means missing things.

1. Abstraction. Nouns that name no object: solutions, capabilities, offerings, innovation, transformation, journey, ecosystem, experiences. For each, ask “what is the physical thing or observable event?” Replace with that. If there isn’t one, the sentence has no content and goes.

2. Agentless. Sentences where nobody does anything: efficiencies were realized, the migration was completed, value is delivered. Rewrite as subject-verb-object. Who did what to whom? If the writer is hiding the actor, find out why. Usually the actor is unflattering, or nobody actually did it.

3. Unfalsifiable. Industry-leading, best-in-class, seamless, robust, world-class, cutting-edge, enterprise-grade, next-generation. Attach a number, a comparison, or a named alternative. Otherwise cut it. Never rewrite one into a different adjective.

4. Hedges. Helps, can, designed to, aims to, up to, may, enables you to. Each hedge is a claim the writer wasn’t confident enough to make. Two options only: commit to it, or cut it. “Helps reduce costs” becomes “cut our bill by 40%” or disappears.

5. Register. Leverage → use. Utilize → use. Facilitate → help. Enable → let. Deliver → give/send/do. Drive → cause. Unlock → get. Mechanical, do it last, and don’t let it feel like the job is done. It’s the smallest pass.

Output contract

Return two things, in this order:

  1. The tells. A table with the original phrase, which pass caught it, and what it was avoiding saying. One row per tell. This is the part with value; it teaches the writer to catch their own.
  2. The rewrite. The full draft, revised. Same length or shorter. Never longer.

Report the before/after word count. A real buzzkill pass usually cuts 20-40%.

Don’t touch

  • Quotes and testimonials. A person’s actual words, even bad ones
  • Legal, regulatory, or compliance-required language
  • Technical terms of art, where the reader is technical
  • Product and feature names, however bad
  • The writer’s argument. Register is the target. If you disagree with the point, say so separately rather than editing it away.

Common mistakes

MistakeWhy it fails
Replacing a buzzword with a nicer buzzwordThe evasion survives. Ask what it was avoiding.
Rewriting first, listing tells secondThe list is the deliverable. Write it first or you’ll rationalize your edits.
Making it longer to make it specificSpecificity is shorter. “Enterprise-grade security” → “SOC 2 Type II”.
Cutting hedges from genuinely uncertain claimsIf it’s actually uncertain, say what’s uncertain and why. Hedging isn’t the same as honesty.
Applying it to a personal essayThis is for marketing and corporate copy. Voice-driven writing has different rules.